I have pretty much forever been a self-proclaimed lover of life. I love sunshine and summer warmth, but I love cozy fires and fall's chill. I exclaim out loud numerous times during days in big cities, but I breathe easier when I'm out in country air. Sometimes I think I could live on the beach, other times a farm sounds perfect to me. It's hard to keep up with all the things I explode over, and with each new thought comes a new burst of enthusiasm. The range of emotions that goes on between my two ears even baffles me sometimes. Brent says I was born with a huge heart, and I try to fit everything in it.
The difficulty in loving so big and believing so hard, is that sometimes you end up hurt. It's not always neat and tidy, and in the messiness I often wish I could sit on the fence with the cautious, who watch the world go by carefully, not diving too quick, or too deep, just dipping a toe in and waiting to see how the tide will turn.
With the rose colored lens I tend to see life through, comes dreams and perspectives that don't always materialize. I romanticized my wedding day, and it definitely rained. I dreamed my whole life to be a wife, and it's definitely harder than I envisioned sometimes. I dreamed of having babies, but some things take time.
Last week marked one year since I experienced a miscarriage. It was difficult physically, but even more so it was difficult because it was a broken dream. Over the weekend Brent and I were spending time together and he said "This is part of your story, Katie." I found myself crying the hardest I have in a really long time- This is not what I had in mind for my life. People just want to hear about cute bellies and healthy pregnancies and perfect babies. Nobody wants to hear my little sob story. I don't even want to hear it.
Well it's true, and in the midst of my brokenness I said it myself.
There is no way in the world that, if given the opportunity, I would've written my story the way it is. The way the Lord has written it.
Sometimes I want to give Jesus a giant hug, and personally thank him for how overwhelmingly blessed I feel. Other days I wonder if Jesus, or God, or whoever even knows I'm here. (Sounds so dramatic, but I think we've all gone through this.)
Sometimes when you're loving so hard, and living life so big, you get burned a little bit, and things don't go the way you would've written them. And then even when your heart says keep seeing beauty, your mind says beware of brokenness.
Somehow, in the midst of the blubbering mess I was, and it literally had to be the Lord, I felt so strongly this truth for my life-
Katie, it would be a tragedy to stop living the way you were made to live, simply because you didn't get your way. Did the thought ever occur to you that something better is ahead? Now is hard, but it won't be forever, and in this now you are gaining authority that only you have to gain.
I truly believe that one of the scariest things we can choose to do is embrace our story, the process we are in, and live on in the midst of what we think everyone else a). is doing, b). wants to hear, c). cares about.
The Lord has written my story, your story, and every single person in this world's story just so perfectly my edits would only mess things up.